“How is this?” I strutted out of my bedroom in a beige suit I have never worn before. My daughter immediately gave it a thumbs down. There was a slit up the leg to my mid-thigh and the color! Note to self: never buy beige. Even if you love it, it doesn’t look good on you.
We ended up agreeing on black pants (shocking, I know), with a black tank and open blouse. I couldn’t wear anything that showed sweat or looked like I was trying too hard.
The truth is, I was trying too hard. While I have always been confident in my abilities as a researcher, I must admit the thought of applying for a new job left me feeling surprisingly intimidated. After all, it had been a long time since I have had to go through the job application process, and the thought of competing against younger, more tech-savvy researchers was daunting.
Would they think I’m too old? Am I smart enough for these Israeli brainiac startups? Is my Hebrew good enough? Can I commit to a real job?
I sweat a lot when I am anxious. The bus was hot, running late, and packed. On the ride I was preoccupied with what I haven’t accomplished. Israelis love publications and prestigious colleges. Was my CV impressive enough? Maybe I should have deleted the cunnilingus paper from the list of publications?
I got off the bus and looked around. It was a classic industrial park with high rises, fancy cafés and busy professionals. I was prepared for the interview. I am familiar with the small pharmaceutical company and respect the work they do. The two women who conducted the interview were kind and serious. When they discussed the level of commitment involved - five days a week in office - I knew in my heart it was not for me. I told them I would think about it and notify them either way.
A certain level of anxiety is expected in a job interview. What disturbed me was how much it rattled me. Would a man in my position be as undone by this as I was? Where was this insecurity coming from?
Partly it feels like imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persists despite education, experience and accomplishments. It is the fear that people will discover you are a fraud and were somehow elevated in the ranks by luck or generosity rather than talent. Imposter syndrome is a very common psychological phenomenon.
I learned about Part X from watching the new Jonah Hill documentary Stutz. Phil Stutz is one of the world’s leading psychiatrists and Hill’s personal therapist. Hill gives us all a gift - an intimate peek into therapy sessions between the two of them, laced with pearls of wisdom from this brilliant physician. I highly recommend this candid and tender film.
Part X is our judgmental side. More directive than imposter syndrome, it will actually tell you to give up, to stop wasting your time.
According to Stutz, all of us have Part X. We can’t get rid of Part X. In fact, we need it. The negativity is necessary for us to grow and evolve as humans.
And so it goes. A job interview as an exercise in enlightenment. Even seemingly small life experiences can veer us off course. Ultimately they bring us back stronger and more secure.
No one around here seems to know when it starts or even how to spell it 🤔 but Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate.
Believe in miracles,
Dr. Annie K.
“Let’s face it; a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not at many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it” -Jerry Seinfeld☺️
How enlightening to see that you feel as I do about applying for a new job! It is so daunting, it reminds me of going on a first date again. I have yet to do both!
Happy Hanukkah!♥